Doctor's Vists - the comedy of it all...

Doctor's Visit #1 - two weeks ago sometime...

Scenario - Kate and I enter the empty office of a rheumatologist, are admitted without incident and a very nice man takes us into his office and interviews me concerning my condition, etc.

He takes me through a thorough exam, says there's nothing obviously wrong with me, then begins to record into his digital voice recorder my history...

Dr: "He (referring to me) first experienced vision loss last year...[continues speaking]. Presses stop.
Me: Actually, I first started losing sight fall of '05. [repeats what I told him during the interview]
Dr. [rewinds the tape] begins again...as he's speaking he says, "he was on coumadin for a period of three months...
Me: No, I was on coumadin for a year with no incident, then came off in August of '07, then three months later had an incident, then was put back on at that time while I was in the hospital. Came off the coumadin about 4 weeks ago, had another incident 2 weeks ago, then was put back on...
Dr: [with a somewhat glazed look in his eyes] So, you were on coumadin with no incident for a year?
Me: Yes
Dr: [rewind]

This went on for some time as he, Kate and I reviewed the details that we had told him during the initial interview.

Long and short of it...very nice man, very not helpful. The most he did was recommend that I take an additional medication that I have no intention of taking.

Dr. Visit #2 - last week
Kate and I enter a completely empty office in the basement of a large house with very bright and attempted kid-friendly furniture. The pictures on the wall displayed a decidely odd taste and many of the messages on the wall were written in poem form that I assume were written by the man himself as they made you feel bad for the author who is so proudly displaying his sense of humor. Reminded me of the socially awkward high school kid that cracks jokes and thinks that people are laughing at his jokes.

We were ushered into a labyrinthine corridor and stationed in a small, windowless room with the typical 80's tripe being piped in through an unseen speaker. Claustrophobia begins to set in...

After a short time, a typical, doctor-looking person enters the room.

I will not write out the conversation as I will just try to capture the arrogance that he carried with him as best I can...just think of that same kid who nobody likes, but thinks they do, mocking you because you don't have any friends. You're not sure whether to punch him in the nose or just feel sorry for him.

So, in the course of the conversation, he belittled (some in a kind, doctorly sort of way, but most in a disgusted, "they are most definitely morons" sort of way), me, my wife, my wife's friend, Lyme disease doctors, any allergist that would consider that diet would have anything to do with inflammation, hollywood actors that have famously tried wacky alternative medicine, my doctor and one of his patients who thought that maybe her daughter had allergies. I may have missed one or two...

After a bit, I found myself nodding and agreeing with everything he said just to get him to stop talking...

Upon reflection, we should have just got up and left, but of course, I'm much more pro-active in my "should've" life than in my "in-the-moment" life.

By the way, you should meet me in my should've life! I am so witty and good at kung-fu!

Oh, and in the middle of all this he says..."we can do an allergy test if you want...but it would just confuse the situation." The conversation was also sprinkled in with gems of advice like, "you really need to be careful what you read on the internet" [Oh, thank you, font of wisdom, for I am a poor, lowly sap that doesn't know the difference between reliable and unreliable websites, as you surely must!] and "I don't know really what to recommend except to get another doctor".

So, we left the office after having wasted $40 and a couple hours. But, at least I got a blog post out of it!